You’ve been in doctors’ waiting rooms. We all know what they look like. Waiting rooms, and the patients in them, bear strong resemblance to one another. Apart from the pediatrician’s office, the offices could merge as one: from the podiatrist to the dermatologist, from the gastroenterologist to the ophthalmologist.

Inevitably on my personal arrival to visit my man in the white coat, I  select a perch, settle in, and focus on this paradigm of American life. Where else can a person get a close up look at the heart and soul of our country?

During the course of life I have noticed the following four personality types present in all waiting rooms. Read along, see if you don’t agree.

• The List Maker:(predominately female) List making action of some form runs continuously: scribbling, texting or doing the I Phone slide. Patient’s behavior runs in a cyclic pattern. The frenzied input or writing phase is followed by a momentary pause. Like clockwork, the scribbling begins again, followed by the momentary pauses. This behavior continues until the nurse calls for the List Maker.

• The Fidgeter (oftentimes male) cannot sit still. This patient is in a perpetual state of motion. The fidgeter crosses his feet then uncrosses his feet. The fidgeter rearranges his seating position numerous times. You use extreme self control by not yelling “Sit still.” He shifts to the left in the chair; he shifts to the right in the chair. You find yourself going through a popular cheer at high school football games:

Shift to the left, Shift to the right, Stand up Sit down, Fight, Fight, Fight

Now, who in the hell said I had a memory problem.

• The Magazine Scavenger: this patient flips through every magazine in the office, from Field & Stream to Redbook. What runs through my head is my mother’s mantra, advising me not to touch the magazines in doctor’s offices because they are ridden with germs. (I definitely used this as a key selling point with LT as part of my Kindle pitch.)  Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I see the Scavenger tear out two pages of  Southern Living. Unlike LT, who does not see gray, I give her a break; she cannot help herself. She has to have the recipe of the coconut cake featured on the cover. (You can actually hear him saying, “Go buy a copy.”)

Then, as you continue this imaginary conversation with LT, you see her ripping out a consumer review article on snow shovels from L.L. Bean.

Now I am distraught. Please, please call my name, I beg of the waiting room assemblage. The Scavenger moves toward the latest issue of Good Housekeeping. (I know she will find tons of articles to share with her cronies.). Suddenly, JOHNSON is bellowed. I jump, run and hug the nurse. She is, of course, is a reader.

She chuckles as we walk toward the scale. (Side note- what’s with the neon light scales- doesn’t the 16 page privacy law thingy I just saw cover that?)

• The “I Do Not Wait Person” (usually a male) – this person has a pre-established length of time he will wait for the doctor. If he does not see the doctor by this preset time, he leaves. He is not bothered by snide comments, jaws dropping or what if’s? He considers his time billable. Yes, LT is an IDNWP *note- this only applies if an emergency hasn’t occurred; this, understandably, will throw any schedule down the drain. We all know LT is very comfortable in emergent situations.

A real life scenario of an IDNWP patient, notably, LT

Evidently, the nurse in the prep room for surgery did not understand LT’s seriousness when, after 1 ½ hour wait for scheduled surgery, he told her if the doctor did not get off the golf course in the next fifteen minutes, he was leaving. LT’s delivery was not unruly, harsh or mean. This message was delivered at the nurses’ station with said patient dragging the IV pole behind him. No, LT was not in a flying, back-flapping hospital gown. He refused that for a finger repair. The nurses relented: he got to wear scrubs. Twelve minutes later, LT was under anesthesia. Who knows where the surgeon was ;-)

I believe patience is inherited. Some Americans have patience, some do not. As with many of life stressors, impatience can drive you nuts. The next time you find yourself an unwilling participant in a waiting room marathon; check out your fellow Americans. Do you see the fidgeter? Or are you the fidgeter? ;-)

Until next time, sit down and relax.

Then, I want you to take note of those funny looking people next to you.

You might as well, they haven’t called your name yet.

photo courtesy of the Informed Patient, Wall Street Journal